You know my story, but you won't understand the feelings behind it

Just how much can one person change after one moment?

How much have I changed behind this wall?

How much more am I changing?

Why am I changing?

"All those crazy things you said; All those crazy things we did. Didn't think about it just went with it."

♥

I hate myself for not letting go; I hate myself for falling in so deeply; I hate myself for not having what I can't have; I hate myself for those mistakes we've made that will hurt her; I hate myself for being unreasonable; I hate myself for making myself feel bad; I hate myself for confusing my own self; Most importantly- I hate myself for being myself.

Love you too deeply

Made those mistakes; killed myself with it

&My love will hurt either her or myself

I'm a sinner- I believe I will get my karma one day when I least expected it to come back haunting me.

How do I go on protecting my heart?

Well-hidden; You can never see the tears that flows behind this smile

Ironically, believe.

It's been long since I last updated, and I'm finally back from China.

Many things are changing every single time, who knows what will happen next? I might met with an accident on the road, win a lottery, or even become a lesbian the next minute.

I mean, nobody has the ability to predict the future. &Things are always changing in our lives.

Sadly enough, I have to admit that I falls under the category of people who dislike adapting to changes. Refuse to follow fate, some may say. 

Always remaining in their comfort zone and wishes everyone to give in to them.

I'm a loser, no doubt.

Admit defeated.

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放弃一个爱你的人并不痛苦，放弃一个你爱的人那才痛苦。

即时只能和你站在一起，就能很乐。

当你和我的时候 能够快乐地笑，就很高兴。

只要能和你呼吸同一国的空气，就很幸福。

喜欢一个人就可以那么简单。

但是，你们知道爱却不能爱的痛苦吗..?

就好像回到7岁那年，看到别人有一样宝贝 自己也很想要拥有它，但知道自己不能和别人抢。一但抢了，不知会有多少人流泪。所以就会很想去寻找一个一模一样的宝贝，却才知道 那宝贝是独一无二的限量版，世上只有一个。

拥有，抢夺，放弃 都不是。感觉上就好像根本没有什么选择的路；一张有去无回的单程车票，没有彩排 - 只有现场直播。选择了 就没得挽回。

痛恨为何命运要作弄人- 难道一定要我经历过这种痛 才能成长吗? 憎恨自己为何不现认识你，为何我不是她，为何我不可以。

幸福中带着悲伤/ 快乐中带着眼泪/ 甜蜜中带着心碎/ 美丽中带着破碎

爱情跟人生一样：就像是海里的大浪 永远不知那未知数- 何时浪会落 何时浪又起。

回到原点，请问你们会：伟大得背叛自己的心而放弃心头最爱，还是 不顾一切地伤害另一位战友为了达到目标?

我.. 很想拥有那特别雕制的宝贝；却不想让那位战友落下她不该落的泪。

末个空间的小小我，或许已知道那不为人知的答案，却一直像不成熟的大女孩 拼了老命都要反对； 打死都不想要承认。若他选择的会是我，那他已早就放弃她。若他选择的会是我，那我们早已很幸福。 

但傻乎乎的大女孩，就算被利用 就算最后变成了后盾/救生圈，我相信她也愿意。

甚至还会开心到连连道谢，流着快乐的眼泪...

离开，伤害，等待，逃避；制造机会，顺其自然..

您会这么选择呢?

SIHUI

Wake me up when September ends

Just one more week in Singapore before I head to China.

Me + China = Never ending fate.

-.-

(You'll never understand the pain.)

Try to get myself back on track, though I'm still that girl who's having fun.

Telling myself I must move on, but wavers every single time.

Fucking pussy lor. 

But nevertheless, it's because the feeling for him is so strong that I am able to persuade myself to bear with the pain of moving on/leaving. 

Just want him to be happy with his choice and never get hurt.

Classic line: He happy, I happy lor. 

Lol.

Sadgirl93 needs retail therapy + good food to feel better.

Or at least go to work.. Which is what I'm doing now. Working almost every single day, and hoping got people jio me go dinner after work. LOL. Big hint already lor people..

Be smart!

Craving for XLBs, STEAMBOAT, SUSHI BUFFET, CHICKEN RICE, NASI LEMAK, AYAM PENYET, POPIAH, BEANCURD, BBQ, BUBBLE TEA, MC DONALD'S BREAKFAST, RAMEN..

So who want to jio out to makan with me now?!

P/S: Hope that I can recover soon, but I'm like keep wavering. Maybe I overthink things as usual and only want to believe in what I want to. Sihui, it's time for you to grow up already.

P/S P/S: Knn, this is the first time I'm ever been so mad @ this guy friend of mine. Thank god you were ** if not you sure get uppercut by me. 

First time, take it as ignorance. Second time, take it as forgotten. Third time, take it as impulse. Sorry but that's my limit, you better don't do it the fourth time. It's fucking nb irritating. 

-

Please help me stop it from happening

Went to celebrate Twinnie & Chuxuan's birthday on 26/09/2011 together with Yingzi & Marcus; if I remember the date correctly.

Marche as usual, and I ate the most. Like wtf; why did I eat so much?!

I ate half a chicken and a half pizza.

Growing fat fat already laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~

Not happy that I didn't get to take pictures with Twinnie!

Damned. :(

The 3 of us got our birthday card/wishes together respectively.

^^

I love birthday cards! (Y)

Happygirl93

Twinnie & I shared the pizza; We didn't know that TOMATOES were part of the toppings, and both of us happened to not eat tomatoes. So this what happened to our poor tomato. 

I tried accepting it, really. I ate the tomatoes that were on my first slice, but I really cannot take it anymore.. 

LOL.

---

So other than that, I wanna talk about something today. 

It's a huge yet simple word.. 'Disappointment'.

It's normally mistaken for the true meaning behind this word. 

Disappointment happens only when people/others failed to do whatever you expected them to do. Simply put, you want others to do things your way. 

And if things isn't going as you planned them to be with the default of others, there comes disappointment creeping in.

Everyone has this 'something' in them where they expect someone to be someone they want them to be or to do things their way. They would want to make these people around them to change (for the better), or whatsoever.

I believe that I do have someone in mind, hoping that he/she will change.

But I have to say that I don't do that often. Because I know that, it wouldn't be the same person if he/she changed because I want them to change to whoever/whatever I prefer them to be. I like/love people around me for who they are, if not I wouldn't have keep them around until now. 

Even if they change one day (because they want to), I wouldn't resist the change and try my best to understand them and accept a whole new them.

I am able to do this. And I know it's wrong for me to think that others should be able to do this as well.

Because many people ain't able to accept the 'new' me, yet.

But I want to let those people who are concern and now resisting my changes that I am still me, and I won't lose myself because of these changes. I still love myself, love my family and love my friends.

I hereby want to assure these people who are still reading this little space of mine that I'm alright and I am smart enough to protect myself from all these shit and everything will be fine.

It's not that I have change (for changing) but it's just that I am growing up and stepping out of my teenage life.

It just take a moment for someone to change

Horrifying enough, but it's true.

I've changed. People change, because we've learnt something that we've not in the past. It crafts us into someone we least expected. 

And what we wished for after our change, is that our beloved friends & family will still be able to accept us.

-

Okay. On Thursday, headed to MS kbox with Ahni and co. because it was Michael's last day.

Partied all night. 

I've learnt 2 things that night. Lol, but I am only able to tell you one of them; billiard.

I think I'm the worse student ever! Kelvin had difficulties teaching me and I guess his blood was boiling at certain point of time. Zzz.

Please take a look @ my legs right now.. Have ya noticed my bruises??

God! The next morn when I woke up, whole stretch of both my legs are covered with bruises. At least 5 on each. No joke. This isn't funny anymore. I even have one on my left thumb, and one each on both my hands.

And then here comes the magic.

LO & BEHOLD!

-

-

-

I swear I wasn't drunk before this.

But hey, at least I still know how to protect myself after all this shit. Look, I'm crossing my leg.

FYI, I was wearing skirt that day. :)

AND! Most importantly I zipped up my jacket hor!

Protect myself from zao geng-ing. (Y)

When I saw these photos being uploaded on FB, all that went through my mind was "DID I FUCKING CB VOMIT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR?!" & "HOW THE FUCK DID I WENT HOME AFTER ALL THIS SHIT?!"

Okay, chill people. I was fine.

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Okay, maybe this isn't extreme enough right???

Of course there will be more exciting one~

That little cute head is me.

I am really wondering if I puked on the floor.. See that shiny part at the top left hand corner??

WTF TTM. 

Totally got myself wasted that night. 

Hey, Martell + Vodka + Beer okay? -.-

Don't start cursing me or scolding me on my stupidity yet.

I've reasons to this though it's really pretty dumb and what's not.

--

Watching the clock ticking right now, I felt so numb.

Wanting to get my ass out of this mess I've caused myself but it only seems like I'm giving myself more excuses to continue on.

Moving on isn't as simple as you think, especially when you've fallen this hard.

I ain't dumb, I know what's going on.

But I'm helpless when it comes to you right now.

Controversial enough for me.

Screaming inside my head, hot tears rolling down my fat cheeks.

There's a reason why. And the reason is you.

I'm well fucked.

*Not literally la. -.-

Nobody ever made me feel this way

Wednesday seems to be very happening, every time. ^^v

In the afternoon went back to school for photoshoot, and I'd already load hella lots of make up at home, and when I reached there, they still fucking put on more make up on me.

Macham like wayang already lor.

Then at night went to Ahni's house for barbeque + steamboat.

Made a mess in her kitchen cause I suck at cooking. :P

But when we're starting to eat, I felt so tired as thought I can sleep while eating. No joke.

-----

I'm a hardcore pussy. Damn it.

I'm too fickle-minded already, I think. Whatever you've told me on Tuesday night.. I really want to do it, but fear starts to creep in on me. I am most willing to, but I'm afraid that that day will never come, and I'll just be waiting in vain.

I wanted to move on (tho it's hard), but then again I don't want myself to regret.

Let's say you're in love with someone, you'll start to imagine/picture the both of you together in the future, or somewhere along that line, don't you?

But it seems like I can never picture us together. More like I can't see future in us.

Yet, I'm still holding on, and willing to wait like a pussy.

I don't know what I want right now.

Y'know, those mixed feelings gushing to my brain.. It's sick.

Whatever. I just have to make sure that I don't have any high expectations from him.

At least I won't get hurt this way.

I doubt that my heart can take it any longer.

I'm waiting outside the lines

Fuck yeah! Year 2 Sem 1 classmates <3

This coming Monday would be the last lesson with this group of awesome people.

At first I thought I wouldn't have this weird feeling inside me when 15weeks are over with them. You can tell that I've change to very nonchalant this semester. I don't come to school on time (late every single day), I don't do my work unless I feel like it (prolly only once?), I don't even listen in class and sleep everyday.

I guess I was wrong. I do miss them.

---

I know I am pretty dumb, people asked me to move on; I'll find someone better; he's not worth it.. I heard more of this. But right now I can't. At least not now. Fall too deeply, can't pull myself out.

Yes, admit that we're still text-ing each other, and going out as usual.

I am like addicted to his smell that lingers on me.

(I'm sucha loser right?)

His inconsistency brings my emotions up and down, just like riding on a rollercoaster.

He can make me feel loved for once, and yet bring me down at times.

I'm just likka kid that's waiting for a stranger to buy me sweets. The probability of getting it is really slim, yet I am still waiting earnestly. Aiya, simply dumb lor. 

Love is blind what.

P/S: Been really addicted to Tetris even though I suck balls on it. -.-

I am more stupid than anyone else

Okay, update you guys alright? Though it isn't something worth celebratin'.

First time confessing to a guy whom I really like. I've no idea why I like him in the first place, really. He's so complicated, and we're so fucking different. I guess I liked how we spend time together, and how nice he treats me, even if it's just sister-brotherly feel.

Yea, got rejected cause he wants to be single for the time being.

My decision right now? I just wanna stick around and be there for him whenever I can. I don't really want anything in return, it's alright even if he makes use of me. Even if he just treat me as a friend/sister, it doesn't matter. That's how hard I've fell, and how difficult it is for me to turn back, period. 

 Wanna thank him for not avoiding me and still concern bout me.

That's what I am feeding on right now.

I was thinking bout working @thai club as waitress (apparently I told him bout it), and he asked me not to because it's really dangerous.

Although prolly it's just concern bout a friend, I'm thankful enough already.

No matter how bad he might be, how different we are, and how complicated his love/relationship life is, I've fell into this pit and just wanna stick around him, even if he treats me as a friend.

P/S: When is iPhone5 be coming out siaaaaaa!

*Abruptly ending this, but the whole story is that I like a guy, my first time confessing to someone, he rejected me, I am sad but I'm still willing to be there for him.

THE END. Silly me.

P/S P/S: LOVE BEGINS WITH A SMILE, GROWS WITH A KISS, AND ENDS WITH A TEARDROP.
Strangely enough, even though we aren't together, I've been through this whole thing.
The curse of love. Stupid cupid please aim your arrows properly can or not?

You reap what you sow, bitch!

Those sweet talking of yours like just killed me on the spot.

Comforting yet enough to torture me thoroughly.

Tormented till very end, that's what you get for starting the 'game'.

To be honest, I never thought I would be falling into the pit. I really disliked ## in the first place, and thought it would be fun to get you pwned.

But right now, I'm gamed.

I think this is what you call it- karma & "You reap what you sow".

GG-FIED.

Falling in this pit which I dug it supposedly for you to ended up in.

How I wish I am not like this.

爱，请问这么走？

烦啊。

真的陷进去了。心想，我这次是这么了？

真的喜欢你吗？还是那只是一种习惯呢？

认识真正的你后，认识了别人看不到的那一面后，我。。好像变得不像我自己了。

天天守候着，天天想念着，天天期盼着。

爱一个人，不需要任何的理由。喜欢上了，就是喜欢。

我知道这份爱不会得到很多的祝福，但。。我最后还是爱上了。

没有人是会明白或体谅的。

我。。 不能肯定你是否也像我一样。

虽然你嘴上不说，但就连别人都感觉得到你在吃醋。

你的反反复复，让我觉得自己就好像坐上了过山车似的。

我讨厌这种感觉。

想要好好地隐藏这份情，但一天一天过得太难受了。

想要告诉你，但我却没有那份勇气。

不知道自己应该做什么，该前进还是该离开。

Love is like sitting on a roller coaster, you are unable to get down in the middle of the ride.